In the grand tradition of dependable investigative journalism, such as Eric Thomas Craven’s groundbreaking masterpiece, Conspiracy Theory; I am proud to announce yet another truth-exposing, eye opener regarding the secret lives of America’s largest household pests…celebrities. What started as mild research for a humorous feature on a morbid deformity, quickly turned in to an entire evening…my face illuminated by the glow of the laptop screen, slowly putting the pieces of a twisted puzzle together. A puzzle so disturbing, I may be risking life and limb unveiling it. But, when I first signed up for A New Low over 10 years ago, I was well aware that no matter what sleaze we subjected the world to, there would always be truth behind it. And sometimes brandishing the truth takes balls. Today…I show the world my balls.
As young children, many of us experience terrifying or traumatic events that can (and often do) haunt and horrify us in our adult lives. Some kids get their favorite action figure taken away for an illogical reason, then spend their grown years throwing money away on Action Man reboots in an attempt to compensate for that one lost toy. Others may get their buttholes fingered by some perverted uncle and develop intimacy issues down the road. For me, there is one horrendous event in my childhood (out of a plethora…it was the 80’s) that stands out and still terrifies me to this day. This one milestone in my pre-pubescence, ladies and gentlemen, is none other than the first time I was presented with the rat-like, offset-eyed face of Ms. Shannen Doherty!!!
Needless to say, I’ve struggled my entire life since then to view any of her work (exceptions being a couple supporting roles in Heathers and Mallrats). I cringe at the very sight of her and have no idea how she keeps getting gigs. On the TV show, Our House, it perplexed my young brain as to how SHE was supposed to be the “cool” older sister to a budding homosexual Chad Allen and loving granddaughter to a budding diabetic Wilford Brimley. If I were them, I would’ve kept her in the basement or the backyard and off of the show altogether. Later down the line, she portrayed Brenda Walsh, a recent immigrant from Minnesota who was quickly accepted by the popular kids on Beverly Hills 90210. This confused me even more, given my own struggle with any popularity. And aside from a somewhat large head, I wasn’t even deformed! But there she was. Influencing all of my female peers with fashion pointers and “how-to’s” regarding virginity loss on prom night (poor Dylan McKay). Subsequently, she joined the cast of Charmed, which I never watched due to the nonsensical idea that a witch wouldn’t use her powers to fix her fucking face. I prefer a li’l realism with my fiction. Nowadays, it’s gotten even worse. I am repeatedly forced to view advertisements for her new show that chronicles her third wedding. This blows my mind even more! Not only does this abomination keep getting work…it keeps tricking schmoes into marrying it!! Pondering these facts, I knew that something with this “actress” was definitely askew. And it was up to me to figure it out.
Relentlessly, I probed the internet for clues regarding the secrets to this abnormality’s success. How was the rest of the world viewing her without the disgust I had felt since adolescence? Why was she repeatedly cast in television shows, with an existing reputation of being “hard to work with,” while me and my brilliant, handsome band of cohorts floundered in hyperspace mediocrity? Was she like a Morlock in X-Men? Too hideous to live, on the surface…but with a mutant power of mind control that had enabled her to do just that? There had to be an answer somewhere. Then, like a forty-something, bored housewife viewing this site while flicking her bean, it came to me. Shannen Doherty is, IN FACT, a revamped form of the being more commonly known as…
HEDORAH, THE SMOG MONSTER!!!
For those readers unfamiliar with Hedorah, it was an alien creature that came to Earth in 1970 and caused much calamity to the island country of Japan. Named for hedoro, the Japanese word for sludge, vomit, slime or chemical ooze, it was comprised of several tadpole-like organisms that fed off of pollution and eventually grew in size and power before joining together into one large, oozy, shape-shifting powerhouse of destruction. It spewed hearty, acidic globs of shit onto anything that got in its path and was capable of devastating the entire planet into a toxic wasteland. Eventually, with the aid of Godzilla (who had unsuccessfully fought Hedorah numerous times throughout it’s development), Japanese scientists were able to defeat it by drying it out with giant electrodes. Alas, if even one particle of Hedorah were to go on hydrated, it would be able to feed off of our pollution and, again, grow in size and stature, assuming perhaps a similar humanoid form. I firmly believe that those scientists indeed left a few stones unturned. It’s obvious, to me at least, that Hedorah is not only here still, but is thriving in Hollywood as an actress, threatening executives and potential grooms with ultimatums of roles and matrimony in exchange for the continuation of their lives!
The evidence, you ask?? I offer these morsels for you to nibble upon…
• The uneven setting of the eyes is the first clue that Ms. Doherty isn’t quite human. Oddly enough, Hedorah shares this same trait when in humanoid form.
• Hedorah was supposedly defeated in 1971. The same year as Doherty’s “birth.”
• Hedorah often appears to be comprised of a black, oil-like sludge substance. Doherty can be seen wearing all black with black hair in 90% of the pictures I’ve viewed of her.
• Hedorah came to Japan, fed on slime and eventually began destroying cities, giving itself a reputation as a monster. Doherty came to Hollywood, built herself up playing shitty parts in 1980’s television programming, eventually landed a dream role based around Beverly Hills (part of a city!!) and continually fought with cast members giving herself a reputation as a bitch and/or monster.
• Hedorah fed off of garbage and shit to grow in size and regenerate if defeated. Doherty has accepted shittily written garbage parts only to have her career and status grow in size. And whenever she seems to have faded into pop-culture oblivion, she regenerates herself with a new piece of shit job.
• Hedorah’s primary form of attack was to spew toxic slime at its enemies. Doherty’s acting is a prime example of toxin-spewing if I’ve ever seen one!!
In conclusion, I would like to inform you, the reader, that this is not an attempt to alarm the country by exposing the sheer FACT that we have a monster living among us that has propelled itself to celebrity status. I wrote this to educate the public about the monster and create awareness in case it were to ever start destroying cities again. Given its current size, it could probably be defeated by the common household hair-dryer. The best thing for us to do now, as a society, would be to keep an eye on it and prevent it from growing again…much like an unwanted patch of weeds in the backyard or unsightly body hair. If it does begin to increase in size though, I hope somebody has the number to the Fairy Twins of Infant Island. They can text Mothra and she knows how to get ahold of Godzilla. Unfortunately, he’s become a bit of a recluse over the years since that embarrassing Matthew Broderick involvement back in ’98.
Oh, and if I mysteriously die in a pool of toxic tar after this article goes public…tell Tiffany Amber Theissen she was always my favorite Beverly Hills bitch.