Last August, my seven-year stint as a drone ant for a local Italian eatery was brought to a meatball-tingling halt by the hand of a third-rate, no-talent, wannabe Gordon Ramsey that had worked there for only a few months. All because he couldn’t deal with the fact that I saw him for what he was (worthless) and therefore couldn’t honestly respect him for anything whatsoever. His name is Yurii Richards and in his own mind his genius goes unmatched in this universe. In reality, he is just another middle-aged goof that drips sweat into every dish he prepares while suffering from a debilitating case of bad taste in music (The English Beat is the best band ever? …Seriously?).
Despite my abhorrence for him, I can’t help but appreciate some of the random anecdotes that I heard spew from his blubbery mouth in the short time that I worked under him. That’s why I’ve decided to start a recurring ode to his brilliant aptitude. It’s called Yurii Richards: Quotes Of A Self-Proclaimed Intellectual and will be posted regularly on A New Low until I run out of these gems of modern imbecility. They are all real quotes expelled from his gullet to my ears. I hope that everyone else finds delight in them as much as I do. It’s the least I could do to thank him for the six-month paid vacation that he gave me (sponsored by the wonderful state of New York and their impeccable Labor Department). And if you’re reading this, Yurii, congratulations on the demotion and the divorce!!
“I coulda got married once, before I met my wife… back in Montana. She was rich too. I woulda been set for life. Then I found out she was fuckin’ someone else. She threw me out and gave me Herpes, that bitch.”
-Yurii Richards, at random (while apparently feeling exceptionally honest about his past) in the middle of a work day.