I have just uncovered some startling new evidence in the baffling mystery of Sir Elton John’s true origins.
This side-by-side comparison of Elton John and Jack Osbourne proves, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that Elton John is the son of heavy metal legend, Ozzy Osbourne.
Unfortunately, this discovery unearths more questions than answers…
Is the relation between Elton and Ozzy a joint coverup by Sony Music Entertainment and Warner Music Group to preserve the integrity of Black Sabbath? Are Elton John and Jack Osbourne the same person, or just hideous twins? If they are, in fact, the same person, is Elton’s “Jack wig” composed strictly of pubic hair, or just mostly? Whose pubes are they? Was the wig made by ventilating the pubic hair, or did he go with the “vintage” weft method? Is it also possible that he combined the two techniques, using a weft for the main part of the wig and then ventilating pubic hair at the edges and partings to give it a fine finish?
Only one thing is certain at this point…Elton John is a dangerous man and he must be executed.
If you encounter this imposter, remember, he received a knighthood from Queen Elizabeth II…and an honorable death for a knight is a swift beheading.
I would like to thank renowned author, Michael Ian Black, for taking a stand with his thought-provoking new report, I Smell Conspiracy, providing a well respected public voice to Conspiracy Theorists everywhere, and paving the way for their own theories to finally be heard.
Thank you, Mr. Black, for giving a voice to the voiceless.