This is my home-style recipe for vinegar toes:
•First, prepare by neglecting to trim your toenails. The longer they are, the more crud will collect underneath them. This is good for aromatic longevity. Once the growth of distal edge on your big toe has reached half a centimeter, you’re ready for the next step.
•DO NOT shower for at least one week. The longer you self-marinate, the more BANG in your tang.
•DO NOT wear socks. This allows you to really soak in spices from the shoe leather. It’s also good for color–you want to go for a low to medium yellowish/brownish hue, if possible.
•Aggressive exercise. This will speed up perspiration rate and causes vigorous shoe rubbing, which is good for calluses that lock in natural flavors.
•For best results – prepare during the hot, muggy month of August.
•If you’re not getting the desired fragrance, try one of two things: a) If results are too weak – increase the pungency by walking barefoot across the floor of a public restroom, or locker room, if accessible. b) If results are too strong – try urinating on your feet to neutralize the odor.
If you’d like to refer to an unprecedented example of vinegar toes to further improve your own efforts–hunt me down and remove my shoes for a waft of zestiest batch this season.
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–Hey, signature police…suck my John Han-cock.