Jason Newsted, formerly of Metallica (and tv’s “Rock Star Supernova”), came in and bought a coffee from me on Saturday. His drink of choice is a grande Caramel Macchiato with three shots of espresso and an enthusiastic “EXTRA!!!” whipped cream.
His wife was hot. As my eyes locked onto her, I found myself in somewhat of a trance. Enough foam gathered at the corners of my mouth to top every cappuccino for the next four hours. As I managed to break out of my lascivious stare, I caught Mr. Newsted pointing at my name tag. He looked up and told me my name was famous. I blushed as any rising superstar would, and in turn, with triumphant defiance, said nothing of his name.
He knew that I knew. And now he could only assume that I didn’t care. “This kid is cooler than a multi-platinum selling artist and international sensation!” No one said that. But everyone eavesdropping on this clash of the titans was thinking it. It was in the air.
Now, I’m not very good at mathematics, but what we have here is a pretty simple equation: Jason was the only one smart enough to jump that sinking ship known as Metallica, making him cooler than the rest of the band members. Essentially, Jason Newsted is cooler than Metallica. Now, we’ve already established that I’m cooler than Jason Newsted…which only means one thing: I am cooler than Metallica.
I prefer “bigger than Metallica” though…its catchier.
You heard it here first, folks. Invest in a DVD and t-shirt before I’m a household name and considered “played out” by the hipsters.