Local Boys Meet Hero In Mall, Make Fools of Selves

The Eric Thomas Craven fan club held it’s weekly meeting in the illustrious Arnot Mall around nine o’clock this evening. The club’s first lieutenant “Brace-Face” Brett apologized for the groups tardiness. “We meant to get here around six-thirty but it took longer than we expected to ride our bikes all the way from Bath.” Luckily for these starry eyed lads the watch repairman was still there, hard at work developing a segment for the first video release from his ‘A New Low’ productions. Not wanting to seem too eager or “uncool” in the eyes of their idol, the group waited until he wasn’t looking to make their move, as has become the custom for the group’s members.

However upon arriving at the Dakota Watch Co. kiosk, the three “E-heads” (as they like to call themselves) became incredibly star-struck and tongue tied. Luckily Lt. Brett, a huge fan of ETC’s screamo band Reckon For a Dream, was suddenly inspired by a story his brother told him about the time he ran into his favorite rock star. “Billy told me about the time he went to see Nirvana on their In Utero tour. He couldn’t get a ticket but he stood outside in the freezing cold by their tourbus and waited for them to come out. A few hours later the band came out in a big crowd and Billy yelled, ‘rock on!’ and, you know, like raised his fist in the air, all rock and roll like. He said he thought the bass player might’ve heard him. I figured it was worth a shot with the big E-man.”

The surprise, ear-splitting cry of “Rock on!” caught the entertainment mogul off guard. “I was in the middle of a sentence when this really ugly kid popped up and shouted at me. I think he said ‘Rock it!’ or something but I was distracted by his big braces and all that acne. I’m not really sure what he was trying to say.” Recognizing the disgusted look on his hero’s face at the sight of his ugliness, Brett and his pals quickly started walking away. Club Secretary “Cubby” remarked on his embarassment. “Dude that was sooo stupid. I wasnt even wearing my Senate rollerblades sweatshirt! Eric Thomas is gonna think we’re like gay little girls or something now. God, I knew I should’ve been first liuetenant.”

Not one to let his fans down no matter how unattractive, ETC quickly called after the boys to come back to the watch stand and chat. Unfortunately for the club, their leader’s cry had already caught the attention of two elite agents of Mall Security, who also yelled for the boys attention. The boys ambled sheepishly over to the officers when Brett hatched upon a plan. “Oh we were just joking around, sir,” he told Officer Liddle. “We’re all friends with ETC. He really likes us.” By this point ETC had left his post at Dakota and come to have a “meet and greet” with his adoring public.

“Are these friends of yours,” Liddle asked. “No I don’t know who these kids are but, hey, I’m sure all they want is an autograph. It’s no big deal, really.” ETC was ready to sign some memorabelia for the boys when all three apparantly lost it. “We don’t want your autograph, Eric Thomas! We want YOU! Please, come over to our clubhouse! We’ve got a whole shrine set up, with candles and everything! Please come and see it! PLEASE!” the fanboys continued to rant and rave as the security guards restrained and escorted them from the shopping complex.

Officer Liddle returned after a few moments, out of breath and looking rather irksome. “Damn, I think one of those little bastards punched me in the back! Eric Thomas, you can’t keep giving all these kids your attention. Next time they might start pulling their pants off, and nobody wants that.” “I know,” replied ETC, “It’s just that there are so many little E-heads out there, I want to be a good example for them to look up to.” “Eric Thomas,” said Liddle, grasping the him firmly on the shoulder, “you’re a shining example for us all.”

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